Expectations and The Pain of Unworthiness

Questioner: Yes, time is precious. But is it so precious that people one is doing business with do not even bother dropping a line or two as a reply to urgent enquiries? Even a “Sorry, due to overload I will not be able to write to you for the next three months” would do. But simply ignoring the other… I feel this behavior is disrespectful , disheartening, unloving and simply rude. Is this only my trip?

Subhan: You ask: Is this only my trip? Here is how I understand it:
I certainly understand the need to be respected and the pain of feeling disrespected.
For me, it starts as the pain of unfulfilled expectation. “They should contact me and they haven’t.”
When that happens, I go deeper and underneath that I experience the pain of not being appreciated, of not being seen as someone worthy of a response.
This is MY wound. The other’s action is a trigger, but not the cause. So it can be a moment of pain and blaming the other for it; or it can become a deep learning about the wound of unworthiness that I carry within me.
And then the other becomes a teacher, rather than someone who has wronged me!

Questioner: Subhan, of course you are right, but that is the other level, perhaps the most important one. On the other hand – on the very down to earth – level – there are other people who depend on decisions being made, they want to get paid, for example… and then it is not only about appreciation, it is about daily life and freeing space for creativity instead of fretting… The look inside: very important. Trying to be emphatic – everyone – and put yourself into other peoples shoes, not wanting to let them wait – that’s important, too!

Subhan: Yes, I agree: being in the world is totally full of the challenges you speak about. And wouldn’t it be nice if everyone did the polite thing? Then they would make my life easier by fulfilling what I want them to do. So I can attempt to teach others the way I want to be treated. But they aren’t obliged to learn! And if my happiness is dependent upon their learning, then I am in trouble!

Here’s where the Indian mystic, Osho, turns everything upside down…and points to the only way out of this!

“If your expectations are fulfilled a hundred per cent, you will be living as if you are in the past, not in the future. You come home and you expected your wife to say something and she does. And you expected your child to behave in a certain way and the child does. Just think — you will be constantly in boredom. Nothing will happen. Everything will be just a repetition, as if you are seeing something which you have seen before, hearing something which you have heard before. Continuously you will see that it is a repetition of something. and repetition can never be satisfying. The new, the novel, the original, is needed.
So if your expectations are fulfilled. you will remain completely unfulfilled.
And if your expectations are not fulfilled. then you feel frustrated.
*****
Once you drop expectations you have learned how to live. Then everything that happens fulfills you, whatsoever it is. For one thing, you never feel frustrated because in the first place you never expected. So frustration is impossible. Frustration is a shadow of expectation. With the expectation dropped, frustration drops on its own accord.
You cannot frustrate me, because I never expect anything. Whatsoever you do, I will say, ‘Good.’ I always say, ‘Good,’ except for only a few times when I say, ‘Very good.’
Once expectations are not there you are free to move into the unknown and to accept the unknown — whatsoever it brings. And to accept it with deep gratitude. Complaints disappear; grumbling disappears; whatsoever the situation, you always feel accepted, at home. Nobody is against you, existence is not a conspiracy against you — it is your home.”